Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
