So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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