I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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