sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
