Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
