Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
