your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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