My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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