I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We are two peas in an std pod
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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