Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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