miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
