be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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