i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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