so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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