i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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