I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
