I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
