Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
