remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
