I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
