Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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