my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
