I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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