Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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