"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
