hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have fence marks all over my body
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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