And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
