you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
