OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
