we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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