My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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