I cannot find my penis.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
