I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
