Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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