I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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