The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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