When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
