Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
