Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
