so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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