I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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