we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
where are my eyebrows?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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