Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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