I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
