I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
