quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
