Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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