I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
