You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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