Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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