just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
