I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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