when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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