As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
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obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
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Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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