Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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