Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
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