Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
