ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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