I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
